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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.